Monday, January 30, 2012

I give love to others but I give myself hell.

I somehow feel like things are falling apart even when I'm still in this positive notion of things. Hopefully things will get better because I feel like I'm the only person with a realistic vision of things. They're more on a personal matter though so I don't want to discuss it even though I use this as a platform to vent.

Ugh...I don't know.

Like my instagram-like picture?.
I can't seem to avoid cutting myself at work recently. It's what I get for having kids help me when I can do things myself. My workplace ran out of cute bandages too. No more Toy Story band aids for me anymore.

Feel free to skip over this entry because there won't be any pictures. This is mainly a vent.

I'm sure there are people who are in even much worse conditions than what I'm in, but I can't be the only one in this type of situation right? Basically my dad has been unemployed for, I believe, around two years now and my mom recently asked me if I read any negative news about American Apparel because she has a gut feeling she may be demoted or laid off.

I searched American Apparel in Google News earlier and saw mostly positive articles about the company and its sustainability, but that isn't always the case because what my mom is facing is internal and there is less known about how the company is surviving right now. My dad is basically working at his own pace, and that pace is REALLY INSANELY SLOW. The whole idea before this was that my dad wanted to essentially exhaust his unemployment benefits before even trying. As you may know, President Obama has fought long and hard to prolong unemployment for people to be able to pay their bills, so my dad has had three extensions of unemployment. A negative side effect of that, however, is the fact that people like my dad don't even try and rely on my mother to pay the bills. My brother, who's also an adult, doesn't even try hard enough to find a job and blames the fact that he doesn't have a car to be able to work. That argument isn't even justifiable because when I just graduated high school, I HAD to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to drive my mother to work just so that I'd be able to attend community college a couple hours later. Even when I had my first job, I didn't always have a car so I would walk home half the time. At my second job, I didn't even have my own car yet so I had my mom with me AND I had to pick up kids from school. That was so damn weird. We'd all get dropped off at my workplace and I had to take the bus home for at least a month. I've gone through SO much, and yet my brother can play League of Legends on his laptop and SIMULTANEOUSLY play PS3 on his desktop monitor? My dad has even gone to the race track to place bets on horses for the past couple weeks. WHAT THE FUCK! SO I HAVE TWO LAZY ASS FAMILY MEMBERS WHO CAN'T HELP IF THERE'S A POSSIBILITY THAT MY MOTHER EITHER GETS DEMOTED OR LAID OFF. If my mom does end up getting demoted, she'll be working only 2-3 days a week at 7.5 hours a day, which is pitiful. My dad is old, but he still has 4-6 years until retirement. He doesn't look really old either. I work a pitiful amount of hours compared to my mom so I'm not much of help. Part of me also feels bad because I should've graduated by now and I actually could be working full time somewhere. I have been giving her huge amounts of money in cash since I've felt obligated to pay her back since transferring schools because tuition costs are so much higher and I'm not fully covered by financial aid. I might be next year but I don't know...I might be done with school by then.  

My mom was pretty on it when she quit her last job so I don't think she'll be out of work too long but my dad and brother are such disappointments to me. Isn't it ironic how I'm like the "adult" one in the household? Sometimes I feel like an education isn't worth it and I could help maintain the household if I just worked some shit full time job or something. I'm sitting here feeling obligated to do something about it. It's sad. Hopefully I'll be getting a good second source of income soon...I don't know.

The sort of sad thing is that my workplace isn't doing as well also. Since we opened a second location, the expenses has been much higher so they have to learn how to manage expenses and adjust the income accordingly. My bosses have been taking cuts on themselves so they wouldn't have to fire anyone and moving back in with their parents so they wouldn't have as much expenses. I do love my workplace though, I even told my boss once that he could hold my check if there aren't any funds at the moment. That's how down I am. I always seem to put others ahead of me. I think that's kind of the bad part of me. I don't know...

Oh~ the story of having super immigrant parents coming here with nothing, trying to have everything, and the chance at trying to have everything diminish.

Well yeah...rant over. I don't expect any cheerful replies or anything. I'm a strong grounded person and I swear, I'm not leaving anytime soon.

1 comment:

  1. I understand the strain of unemployment so you're not alone. I honestly can only hope things will start to change for the better on your end. And I personally can relate to the whole 'if I worked some full time job' thing > I see my rents cut back on a lot cause I'm a full-time university student and I would feel better if I made a larger contribution, ya know? You're a strong individual.