Saturday, October 22, 2016

Every once in a while...

Every once in a while, I feel compelled to write rather than record a video and edit. It brings no where as much traffic or exposure, but it's so much easier to gather my thoughts as I'm not worrying about my camera overheating or feeling the pressure while a camera lens is on me. I also know writing really long entries makes people not want to read, so obviously this is more for me than anyone else's amusement.

If you don't already know, it's been over two weeks since my dog died. I'm still feeling down because I depended on him a lot for comfort and strength. I don't have very many friends, so he has a huge companion to me. I did everything I could to make sure he'd be living a good, long and healthy life, but this happens. I'm just a heaping ball of bad luck. All the ignored job applications, rejection letters, failed interviews, and then this.

My mom really believes in this superstition that my aunt once remembered my dad's dad saying that people in my family aren't meant to have dogs after she found out about what had happened. She would keep saying not to get another one. First off, I'm not fucking stupid to get another dog right away. It's almost Christmas anyway, so all the puppy prices are jacked up. And second, I don't believe that my grandpa (whom I've NEVER met before) is punishing me from beyond because I went against his word (which I NEVER knew in the first place). My mom especially believes it because I apparently have some uncle in China who also had a dog which he loved very much and it also died very suddenly. I love my mom and all, but this is the same woman who refuses to consider a hybrid car because apparently no future tech could ever replace the conventional gasoline engine.

On a random note, I was watching a random clip on a new Tesla car and learned that their cars are basically run on two to four smaller motors which propel each wheel. The idea behind it is basically how high speed trains are run. Old locomotives use to have just one engine in the front turning the wheel and pulling everything else behind it but shinkansens in Japan have a bunch of smaller motors underneath each cart to accelerate the train.

So anyway, what hurts me the most is that my mom doesn't realize how important my dog was to me when it came to my emotional and mental stability. I really have no other reason to be alive right now. I'm not like my cousin in Vietnam who apparently makes $8k a month. I'm not even making enough to be on my own. My dog gave me something to look forward to, a reason to get out, something to be proud of, something to comfort me when I'm reminded of how much of a flop I am. He got me talking to people I would have never been able to meet or talk to otherwise. He gave me something to look forward to when coming home. He was so much more than just a measly dog.

One morning, I told my mom how much her words bothered me because she told it to me several times, even once while talking to another aunt on the phone (two people telling me what NOT to do), and how it's a rich people thing and that people like me shouldn't even have one in the first place. I told her that she already knows that I don't have any friends. And when she says why can't I just go out and make any, I snapped back asking if she knew how painful it is to know when you aren't liked. I've said before that to rich people, having a dog is like having an accessory, perishable and can be thrown away without care. Homeless people and poor people have the strongest connections with their dogs because they are so much more closely tied as they spend a lot of time together. If anything, it's rich people who SHOULDN'T have dogs, especially if all they are doing is getting them to flaunt their wealth.

Sure, my hospital bill is going to be around $4400 dollars and I did sign papers saying that I would agree to surgery if the doctor recommended that I should. Taking the time thinking back at it, I would do the same thing over and over. He was so loyal to me. I could not just let him die without trying to save him. I do have quite a bit saved up had the surgery gone through and I would've blown a good 60~70% of my savings, but if it meant that my dog would recover, I'd be okay. I'd be much, much poorer, but my faithful friend could still be sleeping beside me right now. -sigh-

I'm a stubborn asshole anyway, I refuse to believe in what my dad's dad said and telling me what not to do only makes me want to do it more sooner, but it hurts to hear them talk about my dog as if he's something I got "for fun".

This week, I got apology cards from both hospitals I rushed my dog to. I was kind of surprised from the second one because my dog was at that hospital for over an hour and they didn't charge me for examining my dog. They just wished me luck as I hurried to transport him to the specialist hospital. I guess they got something out of that referral I put down but it was a kind gesture. From the hospital my dog stayed at, the ginger haired girl that watched over him said that he was really liked and everyone enjoyed caring for him. I'm not surprised because my dog loves everyone. Even if someone doesn't care to meet him, he'd try to stop them by getting into a sit right in front of them. Even though he wasn't the calmest dog, I could even trust him around kids because I knew he would never try to hurt them. I really ought to make a yelp account to show my appreciation, especially for the hospital that didn't charge me. I really think both places knew that his condition wasn't something he could recover from, but the specialists could at least give me some answers/ closure. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that his will would give him the strength to overcome it, but I also was bracing for the worst. -sigh-
Some days, I miss him more than others. Whenever I'm outside late at night, I look to the stars and hope that he could see me too, as corny as that sounds. I miss him a lot. After taking this photo, I let my brother choose one of tags to keep as his own, while I took the other. They'll be on our keys as a little reminder to stay strong now. 

I can say that I'm "okay" but I still feel empty and lost. I don't think I could ever kill myself willingly, but if someone was to kill me, I really wouldn't mind. The experience at the animal hospital kind of showed me a world I never delved into. That maybe I would like working with pets and I would enjoy that kind of setting, so I looked into becoming a Vet Tech since the first night my dog stayed at the hospital. I'm not willing to invest in becoming a doctor and I don't I could ever become one anyway. A Registered Vet Tech was a more reasonable possibility and upon finding out that I could be prepared to become one within 2 years from an accredited community college that wasn't too far away, why shouldn't I try? Funny how when I just started college, all I ever wanted to do was get whatever degree I could just to be able to say I graduated. That took me, like what?, 6 years or so. I was left with nothing, besides a wealth of trivial knowledge. Thankfully, I have no student debt but I didn't gain all that much either.

Hopefully, this time, things will be different. It's not like RVTs make much but I would much rather care for and try to save dogs and cats than humans. I already applied to start during the Winter 2017 session, even sent in transcripts from all my old colleges to get classes I've already taken out of the way. Such a waste of twenty bucks, but I have to commit. I can't let fear hold me back.
What else has happened since? My phone's camera died the same night I was saying bye to my dog. I managed to take three pictures of his body before it crapped out on me. Now, every time I turn on my camera app, it just opens the front facing camera with no option to turn the camera around. Oddly enough, two weeks later, I accidentally swiped my Instagram to the right and it opened the back camera but then it froze again after I noticed and attempted to open the actual camera app. This is the same phone that slipped into the toilet almost a year ago. More recently, it's been crashing a lot more. I thought it was because the battery is poorly calibrated because one night, I plugged my phone into my power bank and it said it had 50% battery, while off, when it had 9% or so 5 minutes earlier, while on. I thought it was just Pokemon Go causing the resets but I was scrolling through my music library once too, and it also crashed. -ugh-

I had my eye on the LG G4 in the past because it has an upgraded camera from what I currently have but I've come to learn that there's a boot looping issue with the phone, so I looked to the LG V10 which is essentially the G4 but with a fingerprint reader. The V10, however, also seems to have the boot looping issue, so it doesn't really leave me room for much. I would like a Huawei Nexus 6P but the phone doesn't have OIS and from the video samples I've seen, I definitely need that if I want to shoot videos with my phone.

As noted in my previous entry, I'm interested in the ASUS Zenfone 3 Deluxe but it isn't out yet. There's barely been any reviews on it, especially from the North American market, and I kind of want the gold colored one more than the silver one which is currently up for preorder. The pricing for North America seems pretty reasonable for the deluxe one, so I'm most likely going to get the $499 version since it's only $100 more than the OnePlus 3. The OnePlus 3 camera sensor is also used in the regular Zenfone 3, so I'm kind of "ehhh" about getting a mid-range regular Zenfone 3. Besides that, I don't think there are any other phones that have peaked my interest that isn't unreasonably priced.

So yeah, I think that's all I wanted to speak of.

I watched "Suicide Squad" the other day. Awesome movie.

Ok. til next time.


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