that made you feel butterflies?", asked by one of my close friends on our train ride home. "I'm not even talking to anyone. There are no butterflies to feel", I replied. One of my pet peeves is when people ask about my love life. Can I just NOT have one? I know it's just expected of a person (especially at my age) to be in one because several years later, more than half of them will be married because that's the typical age of marriage (and people just typically do what they believe is expected of them) but can't I just make it so that I can rely on myself first before anything else? Wouldn't you feel so much more comfortable being financially independent, knowing you can love and take care of yourself before being like "Oh my god, I'm so ugly. Now one will ever love me" and settling for less than what you're capable of? Is it worth being kicked to the curb if nothing works out?
To answer her question, no, I've never ever really truly ever met anyone in person who just made me feel like a nervous wreck thus far. I believe part of that is because I've felt like such a reject growing up, I've learned to just not feel anything at all. I know people (online, most likely) think "no way, you're good looking. what the heck?" and such but it wasn't that way in school. No one has ever expressed interest in me while people talking up a storm about how so and so are suuuuuuuuuuch a "cute couple". You just feel like crap, you know? Once someone impersonated a, then, "friend" of mine online and that battered my thoughts of how people viewed me while screwing up my friendship with this person. I think that was the beginnings of my bitterness towards other people, trusting them, and their selfishness.
When I was just a freshman in high school, I was especially vulnerable because only a handful of my middle school classmates went there so I basically knew no one and had to make new friends (as if I really had any in middle school anyway /sarcasm). I had this wood shop class where I was pantsed because I was an easy target. I'm short (probably around 5'4 or less then), I was HECKA skinny, I dressed no where near cool, I never talked to anyone. The person who pantsed me eventually did apologize to me but I'm sure I somehow guilt-ed it out of him. I bet there was no genuine remorse from that experience of pantsing a short, stick skinny asian, with his boxers going down a long with his baggy cargo pants. No one did see my privates though because I also wore over sized hoodies, thank goodness no one ever did because that would be so traumatic, and that was another incident where my bitterness towards others grew. Later on, I made friends with this girl who I foolishly called my "best friend" and later came to realize that she basically did that with everyone. She was one of the girls that guys would follow between classes. Pretty, smart, in every extra curricular, everyone liked her, I thought that if I had her then I could prove to everyone that I wasn't a nobody or some fucker you could just pick on. That never happened though, so I eventually gathered the balls to try out for the dance team (before it was cool) the latter half of my high school life. I was this closet dancer copying BoA videos because I was a big fan then. My mom would see me in my room dancing to her performances and asked me if school has any dance things I can participate in and that I should just be in it, so I eventually did. I did, of course, try out to a pop song of that time instead of a K-pop song though. The Korean Wave didn't exactly make it here yet. It reminds me of when I would try to reconnect with some middle school classmates through AIM around then and I can still vividly remember showing this girl the twin duo "Shyne" and her saying something a long the lines of "lol I can't take this seriously. I find it funny that you listen to songs that aren't in English".
Fast forward 6 or so years later, and that bitch does the Yonsei Study Abroad Program and goes to Big Bang's HIGH HIGH music video filming, gets a picture with TOP, and fangirls it on Facebook. What an ass she made of herself, and talk about hypocrite. So anyway, never been asked to Sadie's dance, never went to prom, never really made any friends in college. You can see that I don't exactly make the best connections with people. Sometimes, the effort I put goes to waste. Why bother trying? People come and go. Once they're done with you, they have no reason to keep you around or talk to you.
But returning to the subject of feeling "butterflies", that certain friend of mine said she's always felt butterflies with many people she's met. I, however, think it's because she's such a romantic. Because even though she's a feminist, she's always said how she wants to be a housewife, planned out a long term plan with her and her boyfriend, blah blah blah. She's had boyfriends and knows what she whats while I've never been in a relationship (and that always has people questioning my sexual orientation because they know nothing of my love life and I speak nothing of it but, frankly, this is nobody's business but mine. I'm not one to bring up a certain other just to deem how worthy they are of me. What also bugs me is when people try to pry information about me out of my friends or try to get confirmation after saying Peter is sooooo this or that. I am just me, fuck off. I never speak of people in such ways unless they bug the shit out of me. Sadly, they can't do the same.), I only have about 3 friends and I hate the people from my past (my mother knows this very well), virgin (cool? uncool?), never kissed (uncool), no piercings (uncool), no tattoos (uncool). I've made strides with my body but nowhere close to where I want it to be (not lustfully attractive), got single eyelids and not the most attractive looking eyes, I get sweaty easily, I'm a relatively hairy Asian (I periodically shave my body hair), I'm short, I have yet to finish undergrad, the list goes on. Turned off yet? I already have my children of dogs planned out. The only thing that kind of scares me are the vet bills if I ever do get those babies (lol). I may be inexperienced, but I know what I want too.
I do admit that there are times where I have these awesome "what if" imaginations and daydreams. I feel like they just lead me to high expectations and disappointments though. I eventually shut them down like a faux heartbreak. I do get lonely, but I'd much rather put love aside and get through the real world hardships of life first before being fed up of being alone. Would you really rather want love over complete independence? What if your 5+ year relationship doesn't work out? Certainly, I am only taking this position right here and now and whatever happens, happens. But I doubt anything will change much within the next five years besides maybe people distancing themselves even more and leaving their hometown more to seize better opportunities.
Let's face it, I'm boring. I don't drink, I don't play video games, I don't club, I'm also not rich, I don't have aspirations to become a trophy type husband (career wise, anyway) and I'm not working the most glamorous type job, I don't really watch movies or television besides a few select shows, I find walking city streets fun, I find looking designs of trains, cars, buildings, and the cityscape fun. I like reading and watching the news. Catching up over dinner is my idea of a fun night. Well, and maybe with some bowling and arcade games too. I'm not the most exciting person you'll meet. If you've ever seen this one video of this Asian guy reacting to his first viewing of Britney Spears's "Till the World Ends" music video, I'm pretty much the opposite of that. Basically, I have the personality of a cat more than I would a dog.
On a lighter note, that photo above was from a morning I was subbing for my coworker with a class of like 10+ and a kid gave me a sticker from his "Cars" book. I'm apparently not worthy of being on his "friends list" just yet though.
This other kid drew and colored this really....interesting...portrait of the solar system. I didn't even realize it was the solar system until @Cathalino told me via instagram. I put it up in my room already as I do with anything colored or drawn for me. So adorable! The kid is only 6 and already knows about the solar system. He's always reading. It's kind of weird but cool. Once he asked me to get him a cup for water and he climb up the stool and said (something, something) carbohydrates, diabetes and I was like "Whoa! What'd you say about carbohydrates and diabetes?" but he has minor asperger's so he kind of drifts all over the place. Some people with asperger's have "intense interests" (according to wikipedia), so I guess his would be books. He reads really well for 6 year old. Other kids just care about beyblades and cartoons.
For non-Los Angeles natives and the Angelenos who don't exactly explore and know what the city has to offer, Grand Park is part of the Grand Ave revitalization project to attract more people to the area. Similar to the development around Staples Center (which has brought Nokia Theatre, LA Live in the recent years and hopefully Farmer's Field in the near future), Grand Park was pretty much one of the first major plans of the project to be completed. The entire park, however, isn't open yet. Only the first section is. The park spans 12 acres and connects the music centers to city hall. The bottom half of the park will open up section by section in the later months.
|The renovated Arthur J. Will Memorial Fountain lights up at night and the LA city hall in the background. (Credit: LAtimes)|
|Panorama I took with my phone. It's tiny because Facebook doesn't upload them fully :d|
|By the splash pool :) Where everyone can feel like Jesus~|
|teeheehee~ *japanese school girl laugh*|
|so touristy of me...|
|This was where the dance party was happenin'|
|possibly the shortest line for the Kogi truck you'll ever see but I didn't bother lining up for it.|
|The Frank Gehry designed Walt Disney Concert Hall is not too far from Grand Park. It is on Grand Ave after all :P|
|California Plaza and Wells Fargo Center. And next to Walt Disney Concert Hall is the future location of the Eli Broad Museum which will also have an interesting design. It'll be like a white, square, honeycomb shell type building.|
|TO THE TRAIN WE GO!! Anyone watch "Modern Family"? This is the same train Cam and Mitch loses Lily's bunny by throwing it in before the doors close and the train leaves the station.|
After our late lunch of naengmyun , I asked my friend if she just wanted to bring kimbap to the night event she was attending so that she wouldn't have to prepare food for the night and said okay, so we walked to Zion Market from the restaurant because it's nearby. The event was called Concert on the Greens or something where you sit in a field and listen to classical music being blasted or something (frankly, I don't see why people would even pay to do that), so you basically bring your own food to bask in the music? I've never been to Zion Market on the weekend so it was the most packed I've ever seen. But anyway, I bought some kimbap too so I could snack it at home later in the day or evening.
On the 1st of August, I met up with Lisa again since fulfilling my craving for Class 302 on July 19.We went to have Asian styled burgers since I was craving that after having my fill of shaved snow.
I should've tried something new but I got the black pepper beef burger with the rice bun and Lisa got a veggie burger which she didn't really like. The laobanniang (lady manager) was kind creepy and would approach tables that night. For example, she walked up to the guys under the television and asked them how the food was and if it was their first time. She also assumed they were Taiwanese and yeah. They awkwardly replied to her in mandarin which I found kind of funny because they were very fobby looking but they were just like me and Lisa, ahah! She eventually made her way to Lisa and me and also assumed we were Taiwanese, Lisa was like trying to say how we're born in the area. She later asked if we're Taiwanese but we aren't so she asked where our parents were from Lisa said Hongkong (in English) and I just said Guangdong (is it weird to just state a province because I honestly don't know where my parents are from, lol). She noticed Lisa had taken out half of her veggie patty and asked her if she's a vegetarian. Lisa said "yes" and so she recommended that she try this other burger and how there are a bunch of vegetarian things that aren't on the menu she could try and that she should just tell her and she'll make it. Later on (because I'm SUCH a SLOW eater), she brought out some green onion pancakes for us to have. It was so nice of her and totally yums.
And this is me working camera magic with angle, probably sucking it in (though I can't suck it in that much), and hanging my shorts low.
(*I typed this over a week ago and barely got around rereading it. Hopefully it's not a huge mess of thoughts)