Woo~ The Year is Almost Over...

     So after my last entry, the elections to determine the next POTUS happened and only recently, did the counts became official. The electorates would formally submit their votes to confirm Joe Biden into office next week? Also after being rejected from the super cool heart valve place, I saw this university position open and applied for fun since I have a background in education. Being "relatively" fresh out of school with no real experience in animal hospitals and whatnot, I didn't really think I was in a place of consideration but the odds worked in my favor. It's partially because there were two positions open, I think, and my manager's open to hiring technicians at any level. 

     I never thought I'd be working in a general practice when it came to being a veterinary professional but if I had to, I know I'm in the right place. I'm pretty lost at everything, especially since I spent like two months studying research animal material in preparation for interviews with research facilities. It also didn't help that after being rejected by the HR (almost instantaneously) of several places and applying for positions that would just be filled or taken down not to long after being posted, I started to catch up on reading comic books again and put everything I learned in technician school back into the archives of my brain.

    When it comes to working with vet students at the moment, I'm really awful at answering questions because (1) I barely know how the place operates and (2) I barely remember anything I learned in school. A lot of it is coming back, but I'm still the most amateur, novice, rookie person amongst my colleagues and it doesn't help when even the part-time veterinary assistants are so well versed in the things I should already know. Nonetheless, everyone is super nice and supportive. Being in a pandemic helps a bit since vet students in the hospital are limited and clients can't physically be in exam rooms until herd immunity is reached, so I have some months to know my shit and talk the talk but that doesn't go without me making mistakes and being awful at the skills that require physical practice. I don't even have a dog or cat at home, so it's a bit difficult to even practice and review things I learned in school. 

I'll list some things that others may learn from my mistakes:

• Listen to how many CCs/mls people ask you to pull for them and pick the syringe closest to that amount. That'll save you a scolding, but also it really does make a difference when it comes to accurately pulling up the correct dose. I'm so used to using 3ml syringes that I naturally just gravitate towards pulling them out of the drawer, especially when it's the primary syringe for vaccines and the refrigerated drugs. And then there's drugs like propofol, which usually ends up needing more than 3ml syringes because it requires a projected high dose, but only given until effect (titrated) and all animals require a different amount to become sedated.
• I've been writing notes for clients on post-its just to remind myself to tell it to them but also give to clients, and I only recently realized that I could've been typing them up as "discharge" instructions which look way more professional than a pink post-it in my ugly handwriting. 
• I forget that x-rays often are either abdominal or thoracic and if they're not, it's usually joint focused. And if it's not joint focused, then it's specifically bone focused (but I don't often hear those shots being requested). A vet student asked me once what kind of focused shot should be taken for an arthritic dog's lower back and I was like "femoral?" when it should be like hip joint or something...IDK. 
• This should be like an obvious one but if the owner doesn't mention like "he got a vaccine right?", I'll forget half the time to remind owners to monitor for vaccine reactions, provide examples of signs of that, and what to do if it does occur (which isn't often but it does happen). 
• I absolutely hate dealing with  money (estimates and invoices) because it makes all the difference in the world when it comes to helping the animal get the best care they can receive and dealing with a client with multiple pets at the same time is almost always a guarantee you'll forget something when it comes to billing, so...take your time...double check your notes and written instructions. **Not that working in research doesn't deal with money but it's a bit different because it's either from the corporation [which is basically unlimited] or through research grants** 

There's probably more but I can't recall at the moment. Some cool things I've done or been a part of since working at this vet school:

• I saw my first reptile surgery which was a tail amputation. I also saw how to intubate a lizard which is a bit different from a snake but easier than a cat? You also really get to hear and see how much slower the heart pumps and how little breaths they take. Moreover, if you're like me, you'd wonder why a tail would need to be amputated for a lizard when most of them have the ability to drop their tail? The tail attached, however, had signs of necrosis and it didn't occur to me that even though they could drop it, the priority now was to stop an infection from occurring and traveling into the blood stream (sepsis).  
• I scrubbed into an orthopedic surgery which was kind of like a..."I wasn't expecting this nor am I ready but ok" moment. I didn't really do much besides hold a plate in place so the doctor could drill into the side of the dog's knee. I knew I wasn't going to faint or anything because I've sort of trained myself to see the insides of animals through videos of people doing museum research prep work where they skin dead animals, but holding the leg and feeling the drill go through and seeing the surgeon take a saw to the leg isn't the most fun thing to watch. Likewise, seeing open flesh and a dog's stifle joint and bone exposed is like looking at fresh bloody chicken? 
• The other day, I was taught how to do a rectal exam because your finger is already up the butt to express anal glands. I was basically told to feel for the landmarks (the urethra below and sacrum above) and then feel for uniformity. 
• I've also been corrected numerous times for holding dogs and cats wrong and improper vaccine administration, so don't feel bad if you think you're a dumb POS because I'm also a stupid POS.

Stuff I've been directly taught or indirectly learned:

• Old dogs with heart murmurs can take gas anesthesia fine (we only use sevoflurane which is the safer of the two options anyway, other being isoflurane). The only time it's really contraindicated would be if congestive heart failure is found in x-rays, so that'd be the next procedure to do before getting an older dog into surgery or dental cleaning. You'll want to look at the size of the heart and see if there's any fluid in the lungs. Bloodwork is also super important in determining which drugs to use for sedation and anesthetics. Likewise, going on the chest x-ray thing, there was an English bulldog in for 'trouble breathing' and the exam went fine until it started developing into an emergency situation and the owner ultimately decided to euthanize. After the dog was intubated, given regular breaths, and provided emergency drugs and had radiographs taken, it totally sucks when you try to help return a patient to a normal state but then find that the dog may have developed a mass in its oral cavity and whatnot (not sure what exactly because you don't want to be intrusive with the doctors and the owner around). One of the options was to provide another passage way for the dog to breathe via tracheotomy which is basically cutting open a hole in the throat (think of those smoking ads in the early 2000s). English bulldogs, as cute as they are, have no benefit from the really smushed faces and chunky bodies they've been bred to have. It only makes it harder for them to breathe and difficult for doctors and technicians to treat because of their really fat necks and shortened muzzles. It was pretty wild being only 3 weeks into my new job and thrown into all these situations I'm not ready for (or ever will be, unless forced into it). 
• Grain-free diets are not good for dogs, unless they help with food associated itching. The argument for grain-free diets is basically that since dogs are descendants of wolves, they need a more "carnivorous" diet because they're practically wolves but dogs and wolves are different. They split from a common ancestor thousands of years ago. It's just like how humans and monkeys split from a common ancestor a long time ago, yet we're not pushed to have the same diet as a gorilla or chimpanzee because we know that our species have adapted to an omnivorous diet (and dogs have developed the same diet as both species cohabitated together for thousands of years). Long story short, grain-free dog food is becoming ever more clearly to be associated with dilated cardiomyopathy. The scientific proof is yet to be published as research is still continuing. But if I'm being taught that, then there's enough evidence for my colleague to confidently inform me and other vet students about the connection. **But as a general note though, correlation ≠ causation. Just because one study says something doesn't mean it's fact. It's just what they found...and that can be due to poor controls and whatnot. But when multiple studies lead to the same conclusion, then you can confidently say 'yeah, this causes that'**         

I'll share some pictures but not of patients since you never know if they run into your blog or something. 

    Although I do post a lot of the cute and happy things to my Instagram stories a lot from my work, there's also the patients that are poorly raised or just develop complications that can't be remedied by a general practice. I'll never not get glossy eyed and on the verge of tears over people deciding to euthanize their pet. Watching as the propofol puts the patient to sleep and then the euthasol stops the heart, while I'm just standing there with the doctor and owner around is...not fun. 

    I constantly have to remind myself that euthanasia is part of animal welfare and prolonged periods pain and suffering is not a good feeling. What's worse is that our pets can't communicate how they're feeling and sometimes hide the fact that they are in pain and it's probably one of the wildest guilt trips a person can take from it. 

This Whirlwind of a Pandemic.

Hello written blog.
It's been a while.

    To recap what's happened in life, I finished animal technician school in mid-December of 2019. Although it gave me a sense of freedom, I've been feeling defeated as I tried to get a job in animal research straight from the gate. Got some replies, a phone interview, an in-person interview and still nothing. For one thing, I can see why because I'm an absolute mess at replying. I'm also a horrible interrupter and if the nerves really got me working, then I tend to speak way too fast. Every person I speak to probably thinks I'm insane at this point, but whatever. Every chance I get to interview, it just gives me more questions to log down and think of better replies to later on. Let me backtrack a bit...

    I spent my final semester interning at the California Institute of Technology to finish my animal technician program. Aside from the fact that I spent almost two hundred dollars on parking permits over the course of almost three months, I enjoyed that place a lot and was always in awe when I walked through the campus after my "shift". The staff was all super nice and I felt like I fit in really well there. Moreover, I always felt kind of cool when I would collect gifts from spinning PokéStops around campus in Pokémon Go and sent them out. It'd be from really cool places like "The Laboratory of Nuclear Radiation" or some really specific science you wouldn't immediately be able to pull out of your brain. Sadly, there wasn't any open positions by the time I was done with my hours. Part of me regrets not just taking that open animal husbandry position but at the same time, I didn't go to school to get two degrees and a license to work a position that doesn't even need a college education in the first place. I could do so much more than just taking care of a room of a hundred mice cages, you know? At the same time, if I just sucked it up and took a lower position, I could've clocked in enough hours to take a certification exam and I would have two certifications over other people...oh well...

    In late January and into February, my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer and was basically unable to eat and kept vomiting up to the day of his surgery. I mentioned this on my YouTube channel but basically it was supposed to be a laparoscopic removal of the tumor (which is a more sterile procedure) and ended up just being a surgical removal of [hopefully] all the infected cells within his large intestine. 

    Even though COVID19 was starting to appear on the news, we weren't in shut down mode yet because of the idiotic President and his administration. I remember sitting in the ICU section of the hospital beside my dad and hearing the hospital staff talk about how China built a hospital from the ground up within a week or so to handle the excess number of people needing emergency care. During my time sitting beside my dad, I printed out pretty much every chapter of this study book I have for the VTNE and highlighted all the answers because the book was entirely just multiple choice questions. My dad was free to go home after a week in the hospital which I appreciated a lot because my mom literally was shaming me for being against staying with my dad overnight. It's like...the hospital isn't that far from home and there's literally staff there checking on him every couple of hours. Why should I be doing their job and sleeping on a chair, when I could rest up for 8-10 hours and then show up again. It wasn't like my dad was dying either. I'm still mad about that because my brother, even to this day, is still incredibly disrespectful to both my parents and has nothing to show for it. He could very well bring his 3DS and Nintendo Switch (which I didn't have) and tough it out through the night but he chooses to be a royal piece of garbage.

    Well anyway, after I finished animal technician school, I was still waiting for the school to state that I graduated on my transcript before I was able to register for the national exam. I got another interview during the first week of March which was a huge waste of time but it was a learning lesson nonetheless. I got a rejection email during the week of lockdown which was a punch in the stomach. The worst part of it is that the gym is closed and I can't take out my frustrations on heavy weights and being able to physically exhaust myself to get a good night's rest. As late March approached, I got a letter from the college I was attending that stated my transcript was updated and my diploma would be coming soon after. 
    Upon finding out that my transcript was updated, I basically marked the day in April that the next registration window would open and I would sign up to take the VTNE in July as I had planned. For the next two-three'ish months, I basically spent an hour or so a day reading the chapters of the study book I was highlighting at the hospital prior. I also re-registered for VTNEprep and did some practice questions every day until the test day got closer, then I would then do the full practice tests to get a feel of how the duration of the test would go. 

    I literally scheduled my test day during the last week of July because I wasn't sure how the enhanced unemployment would go about. I chose Wednesday because I felt like there'd be less cars around but that's subjective. I drove to the testing center a day earlier just so I wouldn't be frantically looking for the place if I was late the next day. I got there early the next day anyway and with me was the biggest chapter of study questions for some last minute reading. I didn't even read all that much during test day because I had brought my food in the car so that I could use that early time to eat before my test. That way, I wouldn't be "burned out" and thinking of food midway through my exam.   

    The test wasn't easy but it wasn't hard either. I remember my first question wasn't even in any of my study material and I had a flashback to my "applied handling and restraint" class where I my teachers were going over what sheep are vaccinated against. My drug calculation questions were especially hard and the way it was formatted was nothing like what I was taught in school. You don't even get to find out what you got wrong and what the correct answers were in the end, but I passed. Thankfully, it was not like a BARELY passed but over 100 points over the bare minimum. I'm not even sure how the score is calculated though, because it's like a 175 question test with 150 questions actually counting and 25 being experimental questions. My score was like 500 hundred something and the minimum passing was like 420.  

    A week after passing my exam and taking a mental break from all that studying, I felt obligated to let the professor who's most resourceful in the field of laboratory animal know the good news along with my supervisors at Caltech. It was mainly to see if there were any job opportunities I wasn't aware of but I thought they'd genuinely would like to hear from me as well. What I've learned is that it never hurts to ask and the worst someone can say to you is "no", so you might as well try. Even though I've never asked for a letter of recommendation yet, I at least know there are some people who are willing to write one for me. I've also learned that you can be the best out there but landing a job all really depends on timing and luck. Timing in that you aren't bested by someone else more "appealing" than you and luck in that you're the best applicant at that time of need. 

    Following the email, I did get responses. Mostly congratulatory but my professor notified me of a position as a surgical laboratory technician that I could try. One of the vets from Caltech also recommend that I become a member of the local branch of the Association for Laboratory Animal Science which I did so I can just put it on my resume and use it as a resource in the future for continued education credits. Even though I haven't touched a gas anesthesia machine in almost a year, I ended up being one of two candidates for the position as a surgical lab tech. Ultimately, I got rejected which bugged the shit out of me because I know for a fact that there aren't that many veterinary technicians with a bachelor's degree where I'm from. The only reason I could've been rejected was that the other person has a bachelor's in animal science or zoology or something. I don't know. I can only control so much. Even though I wasn't looking forward to the commute had I been hired, it was an opportunity to do really cool things like place implants and stuff to help people with heart disease. 

    Oh well, all I can do now is apply to stuff I believe I can do. Sometimes, I get rejected because I'm overeducated or something, especially the animal husbandry ones. I'm not too focused on getting a new job ASAP being that we're in a pandemic and I'm living in one of the worst countries when it comes to warning the public and contact tracing, so all I can really follow is when I'm looking through the local news and seeing how things like the mayoral debate of a neighboring city is cancelled because one of the staffers tested positive. Things like that keep me grounded knowing the virus is closer than I think.

    At the same time, I really don't want to return to work with my piece of shit, obese brother because it really annoys me seeing him work a job he doesn't deserve. He's been enjoying his enhanced unemployment money so much that he bought a THIRD MONITOR FOR HIS COMPUTER. It's literally one monitor dedicated to a TWITCH stream, one for reddit or video games, and the third for some chat box ticker? He'd also buy a bunch of groceries for himself which consists mostly of packaged sweets and half a year later, my mom noticed one day how swollen his feet are and freaked the fuck out. She was like "that is NOT NORMAL! THIS IS A SIGN OF DISEASE!" and only recently did he decide to start going on an almost daily walk? This is after years of being like "I KNOW I'M FUCKING FAT AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY THAT'LL CHANGE THAT" and now it's like...well, the diabetes and poor circulation is starting to show...heh...because of all the sitting and eating he does in front of his computer...his feet still looks like a dinosaur's. 

    When it comes to me, on the other hand, I've lost almost 20 pounds since I turned 31. I mostly see it in my legs because my stomach isn't as flat as I want it. I'm hoping it will be by my 32nd birthday but it's creeping faster and faster. I haven't been keeping track of my calories since the initial lockdown. I've just been assuming that I'm still eating in a deficit because I haven't been eating as much as I would when I was working. I'm wanting to come out of the pandemic looking fabulous and ready to go back to two hour training sessions in the gym when it opens again.  

    Early voting started in California last week, I already filled out my ballot, signed, addressed, and dated it before putting it in those official 24 hour ballot boxes. I'm hoping young voters will finally understand how important it is to vote and vote regularly, not just at the presidential level. There are evil and corrupt people in your local city council and school board as well. I guess I was lucky enough to be 18 when President Obama was running, so I felt that "excitement" for the first black POTUS. I also majored in Political Science so I know how voting can impact everyone, but now it's very obvious how impacted we are? We probably all know someone who died or had COVID19 and this could've all been prevented if those early cases were traced and isolated and travel was monitored more closely. 

It's so sad what has become of this.

Well, hoping I do get a new job before 2020 ends. 

If there's anything good to come from the pandemic, it's that it gives me better odds at getting hired.

I don't think I'll be posting new pictures to Instagram until things get better.

To end, I just finished rereading this entry and I hope I didn't miss any more of those missing words.

Maybe I'll type another entry around Christmas. Who knows.             

When You Have a Little Too Much Free Time [Pre-Covid Life, Written July 27, 2019]

I'm in the mood to write a blog entry because my phone is (what I believe to be) dying and I can't be in my room right now because it's that point in summer where all the heat rises and accumulates upstairs and it gets unbearably hot as the sun progresses from noon to evening. On a random note, I was watching a phone review on YouTube earlier and this British guy was like "okay, it's about 10 pm and the sun is barely starting to set" and I'm sitting there with a "what?" on my face because the sun always sets by 9 pm here. My mom kind of nags me, every single time it is hot, to just stay downstairs because of it, so I sit in my parent's bedroom beside the ghetto single unit air conditioner until the sun goes down.

Recently, my phone has been getting rather warm and I thought it was because I've been opening Pokemon Go more often, but that wasn't the case this morning. Every morning, I always reboot my phone once I get to the gym because my ghetto Bluetooth earbuds don't seem to connect as smoothly without doing so. If I don't reboot, my music skips so much that it takes less time to just do a reboot and reconnect to Bluetooth than wait out the signal. Usually, I try to get Poke balls from the pokestop before I enter the gym but it didn't load fast enough and once I'm in the door, I just ignore the app. 

Well anyway, after the usual reboot and morning stretches, I spent one hour on the cardio-bike catching up on my comic books (I'm finally caught up to the most recent issue of Aquaman and Justice League!) and then do my usual abdominal exercises before going home. During that hour, my phone went from around 70% to 25% with the screen feeling extra warm in my hand. Oddly enough, in the recently opened apps tab, the only app open was Google Play Music. I ended up rebooting my phone as I changed swapped my sweaty tank top for a dry T-shirt that I didn't care for anymore. The warmth dissipated and left me with enough power before getting home. As I washed my blender bottle and water bottle, the battery was at 15% which starts prompting to be plugged for charging.

This is totally starting to give me dejavu because the phone before this one, I was having similar battery draining issues and the heating came later? Also, for the longest time, I just put up with it by keeping my external battery close to me until the phone couldn't even hold a charge anymore. I did look up if other people had the same issues and cleared my cache (which at one point, I didn't realize took up so much space from the internal storage that it only left me with about 2 gigs left. I thought it was just my music, photos, and videos hogging the space...lol). It freed up almost a gig of internal memory but doesn't seem to help. I have been wanting a new phone, so this is kind of an excuse for it. At the same time, do I really want to waste $500 on a new phone right now? No. 

Moreover, what totally bugs me as well is that my fucking pathetic little brother bought a Oneplus 6T like 6 months ago and his reason was that his phone before that one was "getting slow". First off, my good-for-nothing brother doesn't go anywhere and just sits his obese ass in front of his computer all day and night, so why would you need a phone with top tier specs? What irks me more is that if I didn't get him a job in the first place, he wouldn't have that phone, a Nintendo 3DS and Switch, a PS4, nor the money to build two desktop computers with a 2 monitor configuration (in which he has bought 3 monitors in total and attempted to dump the one he wanted to get rid of in my room. Like, I don't want your trash, bitch). 

The job is supposed to allow for him to finish college with food money and whatnot, but he basically scammed my mom into making me get him a job that he didn't even need to get interviewed for. The only time he ever pays my mom back for anything is when she occasionally forces him to pay a car insurance bill, but doesn't ask him for anything more than that. At one time, he did some online schooling to shut my mom up about doing nothing with his life, but that looked like it stopped after a few months. All I ever see on his computer monitor is one stupid monitor with a manga open and the other with a stupid Twitch stream playing. It's SO ANNOYING when I'm busting my ass trying to get my life together when he can just sleep 10 hours a day, work 4-6 hours at a job he doesn't even deserve, and be a 27 year old baby. He has weekends off and almost every governmental holiday. It doesn't take someone over 5 years to figure out what you want to do with you life, especially if you don't even attempt anything at all.

What's more annoying is when my mom tells me to stop comparing myself to him and that I should be doing what a brother should be doing, be helpful and "set an example". Like, I want to act like a fucking baby too and not do shit because I hate my life as well. No one has ever helped me to the extent that I have for both him and my mom. More recently, my mom's employer filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy and asked me to explain what the letters meant because she only worked one or two days a week for a while. I would obviously help to the best of my ability in the end because that's just the right thing to do, but I told her to go ask my brother because all he does is sit around all day not doing anything. Might as well make him use his brain to do something useful for once because I'm busting my ass trying to pass all my classes and practicums and while having some food money at hand and be able to pay for my gym membership and my phone bill. I also pay for my parents' service as well because they wouldn't even have a mobile phone, if it wasn't for me. My brother doesn't do shit! He just hides in his room and eats junk food he orders regularly with his Amazon prime membership, because he can't even shop at a grocery store like a normal person. 

  

.... 

So like what my entry title states, I kind of have too much free time and it's getting to the point where I'm like swamped in my own "what if" thoughts and any possible scenario you can play in your head because you aren't occupied with work or academia. I want to not be stuck at home but I have to for another couple of weeks. It doesn't help that my dad is retired, all his friends are dead, and he just sits in front of the TV all day and night. If you can't tell, I practically have no relationship with my dad aside from the fact that half of my DNA is from him. He is the most apathetic being alive and an alcoholic at that, which is why I absolutely despise seeing people party and drink. What was the point of this again? Oh, it's because I'm stuck at home. 

Before this, I was finishing my volunteer requirement at a general practice so I was essentially standing around at an animal hospital for 6 hours a day for 3 weeks. My time at that hospital was pretty great, for the most part. I unknowingly volunteered at a hospital that the girl I sat next to in class works at. It didn't mean that it was fun though because how she is at school and at work is like two different people. I spent most of my time not following her around because of it. I loved the doctors though. They were so nice to be around and tried to include me in things that the manager may not have wanted. Much of the staff learned my name within a week of me being there too. It's funny when the manager' says "we gotta start getting you to do more stuff" while simultaneously being like "you're not supposed to touch this or open that by yourself". It's like, I get it and it's a whole liability thing and so I'm literally just standing around watching, then get told "speak up more" and it's like...I can't do anything anyways...so...why?

In the end, I actually got told that when I'm done with the program I could get in touch with him for a position at the hospital. That was super awesome to hear because the first hospital I ever interviewed for passed me over. Also, if anyone is interested in working with puppies or kittens, general practices are probably the best places to see them where they aren't horribly sick or in horrific conditions. The only gripe I have with working in that field is in the long term aspect of it because I'm not in my twenties anymore and I (obviously) need that growth, challenge, and mental stimulation (if you can't tell from the entry snowballing into this mess). I don't want to be involved with a hospital shutting down in the long run or going corporate. I also want to work with more intellectuals, without trying to sound offensive. 

I might go back in 6 months just to get a kitten because they have a lot and I got asked to take some home. I want to be a responsible pet owner this time, so I need to finish my program first, get licensed, and be working full-time before I can do anything extra. I'd like an extra social, domestic medium hair kitty and another Labrador eventually...I just don't know when...   

I also have class once a week but there isn't much studying involved, so I kind of have too much thinking time. Thoughts include:

- Must be nice to be married or have legitimate close friends: as I type extremely long messages to people and not get a reply for days at a time. I'm not mad about it but there are times where I do want an opinion on something or some sort of reassurance about stuff, and there is me, myself, and I. 

- I'd really like to go to an amusement or theme park right now. Too bad I have no friends: Summer has been kind of a drag and I kind of miss the wild, unexpectedness that comes with working with kids, so I feel sort of stagnated. I want a day to just ride a bunch of thrill rides, eat a greasy meal, and chug a ton of iced regular sugar soda. There's also this dog exhibit I want to go see at the California Science Center but my mom started picking up shifts again, so I don't want to drag her with me. (In a totally unrelated story, on one of my days shadowing a technician at the animal hospital, there was a client with a super friendly and hyper rottweiler that came in because he noticed she's been itchy. The doctor diagnosed it as a hot spot from all the flea bites she's gotten and prescribed flea preventative because she wasn't on any. But anyway, that boy was hot and he was there with his mom and the girls in the back were like bagging on how he's a momma's boy and crap. Anyone that loves and respects their mother is a plus to me, whatever . I still can't get over how good looking that guy was, even though I was probably like at least 5 years older than him. It's also really odd seeing clients that you knew in middle school show up. I was like "yikes" and avoided that appointment.)

-I really need to step up my diet game or change my workout routine: Being that I'm 30, any ache or movement is a death trap to me. As much as I'd like to do squats on things that aren't meant for squats, I don't want to risk hurting myself and making things worse. 

-Why do I keep buying stuff when I'm not even working right now:

-I miss my dog:

[After leaving this entry in my drafts for a year, I'm just going to publish it without writing any further.] 

Woop~woop~

Wild...6 months has passed. I'm hoping to update my YouTube channel before the week ends, but that's besides the point of this entry. Plus, my face has so much acne from all the academic stress, I don't even want to bother updating but I feel an obligation to. I obviously won't rush it though because I do it for me, mostly.

So...these past couple of months have been kind of a battle with my thoughts since I am literally like 6 months away from graduating (again but I'll have a science degree this time!). After that, I pretty much just take my licensing exam to officially become a licensed veterinary technician. It's happening pretty quickly and I'm like...not sure if I'm ready for it but I also can't NOT be ready for it because it'll happen.

Let me try to recollect what has happened since my last blog entry...

Between January and February, I had some free time because I only had one class during those 6 weeks of class. It was a relatively easy class because the professor was super cool and everything was basically guided. The most challenging thing about that class was probably doing a jugular blood draw on a sheep because it's so hard to differentiate the blood vessel from just neck muscle. Like, you can see it rise and then it just looks like normal skin... you end up tapping on the skin hoping your hitting the right spot before inserting the needle and you pray you're not fucking it up in front of the person supervising you. There was also this part of class where we had to learn how to properly wrap the legs of a horse (specifically around the fetlock joint which would be the part of your finger that connects to the palm, I guess) and there were times were I'd drop the wrap on the ground, the roll would unravel, and the neighboring horse would flip out. Thankfully, I never got kicked by the horse I was actually wrapping on.

So anyway, during that time period, I used the free time to apply to some animal research jobs for fun because that's where I intended on going after graduating, plus I used the opportunity to update my resume. To my surprise, I got a call back from one of the universities I applied to but the position ended up being full-time and I wasn't able to fill that role. I ended up sort of trying to reach out to the animal resources manager about possibly interning, but it didn't work out because I had dropped the work experience requirement class already (after checking the school system every hour of every day for like a month to get my classes). Recently, I emailed him back but he said that there weren't any opportunities available. That was a bummer, but I'm getting too ahead of myself.

Between late February and June, I took three classes again and that was exhausting. I only managed to get an A in one class and the other two ended up with Bs that I worked really hard to keep. My medical nursing class was nerve-racking as fuck. I almost died when my intravenous catheter didn't release any blood from my dog. The doctor teaching my class was like "you know, you can still fix that" and I basically took a breath and knew that I'm supposed to pull back and redirect the needle. As soon as I pulled the needle back, there was a flash of blood and I immediately began securing the catheter with tape. I didn't realize that I had pushed my needle all the way in because you only insert until you see that flash of blood and then push the teflon piece forward, before pulling out the needle and anchoring the catheter in.

Skill assessment also didn't end with just that catheter insertion, I had an x-ray practicum I bombed and that made me so upset. I ended up balancing it out during my second one which I took a perfect left lateral metacarpus + phalanges radiograph, and I was only docked for not using gloves (because I panicked when the dog that is usually good started squirming and I was like SHIT!). There was also a slew of other skill assessment that I won't go too much into because it's a lot. It's also kind of hard because I don't have an otoscope to play with at home and then you're expected to know how to operate it, but it's done with! (for now anyway). Oh! I didn't even mention how I hit a girl in the face because I was helping restrain a pretty big dog for her x-ray and it was super eager to get off the table and I reached out to catch his rear and hit this chick in the face! Also that chick drew out a caudal spine x-ray, and took a cervical spine x-ray instead...I literally watched like O_O...

Going back on that animal research job, I always knew I would lean towards animal research, especially in a university setting, because I've basically been working in education since I graduated high school. During my Laboratory Animal Medicine and Care class, it was essentially solidified as I learned how much animal research contributed to scientific advancements and how animal welfare has a huge role in it. It's not caged animals being injected full of stuff against their will, and watching how fucked up they get. Also through that class, I finally figured out how to get that lab technician certification and because I already have a four year degree, I can get certified faster than someone without one, if we got hired at the same time. So after I graduate and I pass the VTNE, I'll be working towards that because I think it's worth it for the pay raise.

So anyway, I passed all my classes this semester and I only have one class left to take and three more work experience requirements to fulfill. I should have no problem getting into that surgical nursing class I need and after consulting with my professor about a question I had, she basically confirmed my plan and kind of made it better. I was supposed to intern at a general practice during my semester taking medical nursing, but I chose to focus on my classes because when I worked at the shelter + worked for money + take three classes at the same time, it was insanely exhausting for my old thirty year old ass.

She said to volunteer at a general practice in the summer and during the fall "why don't you do 120 hours at a lab since you have no interest in emergency medicine" and internally, I was screaming "HELL YEAH! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION". I was expecting to take surgical nursing and then volunteering at a lab and emergency clinic during that time. It'll save me from all the extra driving and paperwork.

This came about because I always planned to work at a lab but I wasn't able to do my internship at one, as mentioned earlier. Prior to that, I had made this presentation in front of my laboratory animal class about environmental enrichment for the school's llama (refer to my Instagram for his picture) and I did this presentation that turned out funnier than I expected. It totally threw me off because I always script what I want to say but all the chuckling ended up making me talk on a whim, and I breezed through the slides without really considering that it should be at least 15 minutes long. Before I started my presentation, I had to inform the class how I had the worst group mates ever that both bailed on me so I had to finish the project on my own. I told them not to feel sorry for me because I had to do a long presentation on my own to get my bachelor's degree, so it wasn't new and I work with a class all the time anyway, so standing in front of a classroom isn't a scary thing to me. I also was petty as fuck in my presentation and photoshopped myself over my group mates. Ultimately, the presentation ended with my professor asking me what I wanted to do after finishing the program because she could help me. I replied saying how I wanted to do what the UCLA guest speaker does, basically be a zoologist for scientific research and educate the public when there's a need, so she said if I'm serious about it to email her for details.

The next day, I emailed her because I didn't do my veterinary specialty work experience requirement yet. So I asked if her contacts wouldn't be able to take me for the summer because it's too soon, would it be smarter to do a general practice during the summer and save the veterinary specialty for the fall, and I already went over how that turned out two paragraphs above.

Fast forward to the weekend after my last final for the spring, I called the animal hospital that's super close to my workplace about volunteering there and they basically just said to come over and they'll set everything up, so I have my general practice work experience sort of set. I'll be heading there tomorrow morning after the gym to fill out the paperwork and see how it'll end up being. I want to finish my 60 hours in three weeks.

Also during this weekend, I wrote an email to the doctor of a different university that's even more prestigious than the one I had applied to in January and I got an email saying that it's a "most likely yes" that they'd be able to host my internship for the fall. Hopefully that'll end up being a full-time job for me which will be super awesome because that university is so close to my home. It's also kind of a big FUCK YOU to the first university that passed me over and all those animal hospitals that never called me back.

I have this huge load of stress off my shoulders now because I have my interning things semi-sorted out, semi-confirmed. I have a ton of acne on my face which totally drives down my self esteem but hopefully it'll clear up once once it approaches Christmas time.

AH~I'm so stoked for this fall! Now I just need some doctorate student or group of doctors to propose some study using dogs during my time at the university and I'll be one of the first to adopt them once their study is over. I'll have a dog again soon...soon! (after I get that full-time money, buy my own car and pay for my own insurance, so I take a some burden off my mom)...T___T

Missed the Final 2018 Post Mark...

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A Little Room to Breathe...

Since I had my final the other day and my laboratory practicum the day before, I thought I would take some time to reflect and jot whatever's on my mind, especially since my skin is kind of fucked up and I'm not up to updating my YouTube channel immediately because of it. Don't believe the whole "drink a lot of water, get plenty of sleep, it's your diet" reasoning because that's only part of the reasons for acne. When you're almost 30 and still have pimples like your 20 year old self, it's beyond that. First off, drinking a lot of water means through out the day. Drinking it all at once within several hours does nothing because your body only takes what it needs and expels the rest. Next, getting plenty of sleep isn't an option when you have to go to work and school and commute and study because I can't just simply go to school. For the most part, I try to remedy this by sleeping around the same time every day and making sure I get quality REM sleep. Finally, I definitely am not eating the best diet out there (which should probably be a majority plant-based type of diet) but it certainly is not the worst.

Right now, this heat and the extra sweat is not helping clear out the pores at all. I have a goddamn ingrown hair around my jaw and several pimples that isn't exactly deep cystic nor a wide open pore where pus can easily be pressed out. Don't get me started on the scars either. A bunch around my eyebrows, some within my eyebrows, there's also some around my hairline and even around the top of my head, usually around the back of my skull below that bump (part of the occipital bone, I guess)...lovely.

Going back on my last entry, I didn't get that fire tablet in the end, by the way. I think when it comes to a tablet, it just has to be an iPad because android comic readers suck compared to ComicFlow. Besides that, Xodo is practically the same on both operating systems but yeah, mainly the comic reader and the build + hardware quality. I'm just waiting for a good deal and time frame where I can justify blowing like 300 bucks out of my checking account, but I'm also in need of new contacts and a vision check up. That's already almost 300 bucks there...-sigh-

Well anyway, back to my veterinary nursing program because that's the only interesting thing in my life. I finished my handling and restraint class the other day and I'm kind of bummed because it was a lot of fun and it wasn't as stressful, even if my instructor was the same scary one from my previous clinical pathology class. She's a cool lady but scary as in, she expects you to know and understand concepts or you have to just flat out say you're wrong or don't know before she explains anything to you. I also find her cool because she was born and grew up in the same area as me and is also the child to immigrant parents (except she's like 15 years older), so I feel like I have a lot to live up to. I also learned more about how she went from being an RVT to a veterinarian during this class, so I've kind of stopped contemplating the idea because of her experience. She basically became a DVM because she didn't want to regret not knowing if she could get into vet school or not, got accepted but says the stress of being one is heavier than being a RVT. I can't see myself being a vet anyway because I'm so old and I would have to take some undergrad science classes that I never took when I was in undergrad because I didn't major in the sciences.

The only thing I kind of hated was that I was one of only 3 males in the class (it's almost always been this way and usually several drop out towards the end) and I would always be like incorporated into some joke because I was the only person she knows from a previous class. I honestly don't mind it except that it teaches everyone in the class my name and I literally don't know anyone else's...

Examples of this include, and went something like:
"This job will require holding animals in awkward positions and some strength. RIGHT, PETER?"
"If you continue on with the program and have me for one of the clinical pathology class, I am known to be a bitch, right Peter?!"
-Professor and the TA have trouble pulling some orange cones suctioned today- PETER COME OVER HERE!
"How was your break, Peter? [on the first day of class...when it was like dead silent]"
...I can't remember what else...but yeah.

Once, this white girl in a couple of my other classes asked me about an assignment and I just answered her question without ever learning her name. I learned it eventually but even when I gave her my number, I was about to assign her number as "that one white girl". I eventually just left it as a number because she never called me with it anyway.

I don't think I mentioned this before but last semester, we had a review day for the final where we would basically test our classmates and the instructor asked me who I wanted to give the points to for answering correctly and I didn't know anyone's name, so I called the girl "ombre" because of her hair. Later, she was like "you know what Peter? lots of guys wouldn't know this is called ombre [...I don't remember the rest]" but it's like...well, duh~, joke's on you gurl...but anyway!

I sneakily took a bunch of pictures because it's technically not allowed due to fear that people who aren't veterinary nursing students might interpret them the wrong way and accuse the school of abuse or unethical practices, but it's not like I have pictures of students smacking the backs of pigs, throwing cats across the room, or something...and it's not like any of that happened.

Basically, anyone interested in a veterinary nursing program should have some sort of handling and restraint class but depending on the school or location, you may not have the opportunity to test what you learned on actual animals. Luckily, my school has a farm and the curriculum is pretty well structured, so I had a bunch of cool opportunities during the 6 weeks we had of class. Every class meeting focused on an animal and what to do, essentially. It started with sheep, then pigs, followed by dogs, cats, reptiles, birds, cattle, and horses. The animals we didn't touch on were fish or bugs, but that's a bit outside of the realm of domestic animals (even though domesticated reptiles isn't a thing).

First off, sheep! When it comes to approaching them and stuff, their prey drive is very high. Every inch you get closer to one, their natural instinct is to move farther. I guess if you were a small-scale farmer and you only had a small flock of sheep, they'd be more inclined to work with you but this was quite the flock. Personally, I wouldn't want to work with them because they're a pain in the ass to catch because you basically need to move them into a small pen and form a wall and make this sheep tornado move around you and then swing you arm out at the right moment to get it by the neck and quickly place a halter on it, so that it wouldn't get away.

Funny thing is, during my lab practicum, my proctor asked me for the respiration rate of a young sheep already tied to a pole thing. Getting respiration is easy. No big deal. I just place my fingers under the nostrils and count the breaths for 10 seconds and multiply by 6 to get a per minute rate. Well, from what I felt, the sheep was breathing insanely fast. I calculated 126 breaths per minute and my proctor was like "the sounds awfully high. try again." and so I did. Guess what? I placed by hand around its mouth to close it (so that it isn't panting) and it's even higher at 140 something breaths per minute, so he checks it out himself by placing his fingers right against the nostrils. I don't know if it was like...having a bad response being tied up or what...but that afternoon, I checked the normal respiration rate because I had a final the next day anyway, and max was 19 breaths per minute AT REST...so 6 times more than normal isn't right. I could've had some  crazy epinephrine spike induced sheep or something. I felt so stupid after that...but it's okay...school is where you make the mistakes...it's real life where you can't....

Howdy~

Almost a year has passed since my last entry, yikes. Looking at the entry prior to this one, seeing that kitten still breaks my heart. Knowing what I know now, the coat condition of it is pretty concerning and it could've tested positive for something infectious, so maybe it had to be put down...who knows.

I actually have a laboratory practicum I should be frantically studying for but at this point, I'm kind of over it and want to wing it. I'll obviously still study but I'm not deep into my document file trying to memorize every little detail. I'm just hoping I have all the pictures that might appear in it and pray that I don't have to know anything statistical because all I really know from memory is that the average red blood cell amount in a microliter of dog blood is between 6 and 9 million red blood cells and cats is between 5 and 10 million per microliter of blood.


Funny thing about my most recent class is that I've scored the highest in the last three exams in my clinical pathology class and it's just absolutely wild to me. I actually think I have the highest grade in class, even though it's not an A and it most likely won't be after this practicum (I've only managed to get it to an 87% because I don't always get good scores on the daily quizzes...sigh). The RVT director was saying how hard it is and my vet office professor said it was her only C in college, so I was like... I guess I'll take it later on...but I really had no choice but to take it now or prolong my time in the program.

The average exam score is always a D and this is a medical class so in order to even pass the class, you need AT LEAST a 75% or higher. The other day, I was backing out of the driveway and I had a sudden memory jolt in my head of how I failed Algebra 2 in high school with a D and had to retake it in the summer to pass, but now I'm doing simple medical math that the rest of the class doesn't seem to comprehend. Sure, the terms can be confusing and the way they phrase the formula is a bit odd but it's definitely something that can be understood within an hour. FURTHERMORE, I DON'T EVEN WORK IN AN ANIMAL HOSPITAL!! I GOT REJECTED FROM MY ONLY INTERVIEW FOR ONE!! MY DUMB ASS EVEN STUPIDLY POKED MYSELF ONE LAB DAY WITH A SYRINGE WHILE PULLING OFF THE CAP AND BENDING THE NEEDLE WITH MY FINGER (FULLY KNOWING THAT IT IS SHARP). I'M ALSO ONE OF ONLY 3 BOYS IN THE CLASS!!! What's also funny is that some people in my class are taking it the 2nd time (so technically they have a leg up and should be scoring better?) and a lot of my classmates have taken more advanced courses than me (like veterinary pharmacology, radiology, medical nursing, etc), but I still managed to outscore them. It's SO WEIRD and tt sucks when I get an exam question and it asks like "which of these medications can't be used to treat heartworm microfilariae?" or something and I have no idea what any of the choices are, but it's only one question. Wild, man, that's all I can say. I was literally on the wait-list for that class because I chickened out and dropped it the first time, but I told myself that I'm smart and I would take it anyway because it was one of the only 2 classes I was able to actually register into (being that my program has outgrown the number of people they can actually accommodate). I still have some first year classes to finish but after summer, I can actually start doing my volunteer work experience requirement since I would be taught handling and animal restraint and would be able to put it into real world use then (it's also required). Maybe that's why the doctor kind of chuckled when she asked if she really saw my name in her roster for the summer class, because I have one of the highest grades but I'm not even towards the latter end of the program?... lol...(it's supposed to be one of the first classes you take but I can't because I have no seniority when it comes to registering for classes)

Either way, it feels nice. I feel sort of validated that I made the right choice in going back to school and seeking the right profession, especially since this is one of the classes everyone seems to dread. There were many hurdles, tests, rejections, and even a death, but it seems to be working out. I kind of wish I had a real pet sooner and not as I'm going to turn 30, maybe I could've been a veterinarian by now or something. I still have a year or so before I'm finished, but I'm pretty much almost halfway into my 2nd college degree. I never thought I'd have a 2nd degree, or even a degree in STEM for that matter, but it's possible! You CAN hate math and science (even though you like animals) and still have a STEM degree!  You don't actually have to learn anatomical molecular fusion calculus AD/BC! (Stuff I wish I knew when I was a teenager...)

*It should be noted that I don't study insanely hard, even though I complain about being tired and sleep deprived all the time. I just study efficiently and am smart enough to condense and reorganize my notes, so that I can reread the lesson multiple times to retain more information. I also unknowingly have been organizing more specific information into cornell styled tables in my doc (that part only occurred to me because a girl in my class saw my notes and said it). The organizing was especially useful when one of my exam questions which asked what family of parasitic worms "taenia pisiformis" was in and I remembered that I put it below "dipylidium caninum" which I knew was a common dog/cat tapeworm transmitted by fleas, but taenia pisiformis is a tapeworm (cestode) transmitted by eating a rabbit.

Back to School!..........

Whenever a nice blog reader inquires about my well-being,  I am graced by a sense of compassion from other people and I don't feel that often for months on end. Obviously, this happened very recently or I wouldn't be on here. I've also been feeling a bit sad since I couldn't get into a class I needed (reason #2), but I'll going into further detail later. I think if my Blogger account was connected to my YouTube one, I'd be more inclined to check activity on here more often, but no one really reads anymore. Statistically speaking, if I were to post a pointless video to my YouTube channel, I'd get 5 times more views for that one pointless video than I would 3+ blog entries combined. Typing on here is mostly for times where I feel sort of hopeless and I need an outlet to rehash my thoughts and re-prioritize. I literally only get a penny or two each month from blog hits (lol).

I hate how I can read my old entries multiple times and still catch typos. The thought of someone else reading it is embarrassing.

Well anyway, going back on my last entry, I don't think I mentioned that around the beginning of that month, I had to give up a stray cat to the shelter because I knew nothing about cats and I wasn't sure of the financial burden that taking in a kitten would be. I also still had to pay off my dog's hospital bill at the time, so it was hard. I still kind of regret not keeping it. That kitten was so affectionate and really just wanted to be around my family, but the timing was so bad. 9 months later, I learned that cats are obligate carnivores and when it comes to their health, they're actually not too problematic. Besides the potential for obesity and people not feeding a scientifically formulated diet (which can cause urinary stones), they're pretty robust. There's also the potential of feline HIV and the need for vaccines, but a fixed and healthy cat wouldn't be as bad as a purebred dog, in theory. I think that's one of the reasons why people tend to have more than one cat as pets. I took the kitten as a sign from my dog saying "DON'T BE SAD! HERE CAT!!!!" but I just couldn't keep it....

Ughhh this meowing is killing me and he startled the shieeeet outta me last night.

A post shared by Peter 🐈 (@petehizzle) on Dec 29, 2016 at 4:14pm PST

Bittersweet goodbye to such a sweet and friendly kitty. I really hope it gets adopted or rescued 😖 I can't stand the thought that the kitty might not, especially when it courageously found us, pleaded for help, and I just gave him or her away like nothing 😭😭 please look into her at the shelter I geotagged if you're interested!!!

A post shared by Peter 🐈 (@petehizzle) on Dec 30, 2016 at 2:25pm PST

Sigh~I still miss my animals so much though. It's not necessarily a bad thing since I'm so emotionally invested in my education because of them, but I also miss the physical companionship that they give. I started going back to school in January but my first semester was just a PE class to fulfill a requirement. I couldn't get any other classes being that I was a new student with no units on record, so I had a super late registration date. What double sucks is that since I already graduated, I really had no other classes to take besides my RVT classes and that PE class because all my general education courses had already been completed. After that PE dance conditioning class I mentioned in my last entry, I took an Animal Nutrition class and nothing else because of the whole priority registration thing again. I got an A in it but I had no other reason not to, because it was my only class. In the summer, I finished an Animal Science class in 6 weeks and also got an A in it (my grade was literally like 100.17% at the end of it). When my registration opened for fall, I literally couldn't get any classes until my summer professor emailed the class saying more classes were added but I think it was only for her to tell us about her Feline Management class which I am enrolled in. The plan for this semester was to go to the first year lecture classes I need because I know the ones with labs are smaller and the classrooms can't accommodate more students, so I went to a Veterinary Office Procedures/ Medical Terminology class and an Animal Sanitation and Disease class to try and get myself added into them. I'm thankful to be added into one but sad that I couldn't the other, because I'm basically trying to play "catch up" and even out the semesters where I went in taking only one class. I'm not too bummed though, just annoyed at the fact that I literally wasted an hour of my life driving for that chance to get added in. I know my Feline Management class isn't going to be too hard and I really just need to concentrate on the Vet Office/Medical Terminology class because that stuff is hard. Like, I still don't know what makes a rupture (-rrhexis) different from a burst (-rrhage). There's also all the greek and latin words for things, BECAUSE THERE IS A LOT. Stuff like this makes me question whether I'm really cut out for it...but I will power through, I guess.

And then comes February.

I just looked at the date and January is already almost over. Chinese New Year just happened, so I am feeling a bit more optimistic and festive than usual, but I also feel down as I occasionally feel a slump and see the ghost of my dog in places where he'd usually be. It's hard when you don't have many friends nor much money to go out once a week or so. There's also the fact that I don't want to be bothersome or clingy, so I just sit in front of the computer.

I feel like typing on my blog because I don't want to make a video and take the time to edit it when it doesn't really have much substance to it. As much as I'd like to try and quadruple my monthly views by giving people what they want, buying an unnecessary amount of underwear makes no sense and I'd like to keep it gradual as I'm trying to lower my body fat and transition to a more plant-based diet.

I'm so glad I took this dance conditioning class and ended up being more informed about health since it encouraged me to change my diet now opposed to later. My acne has also been really bad for the past month, so I really needed to change something because my acne hasn't been this bad in a long time. Usually, I get pimples here and there which is normal, but I've been getting inflammation and bumps that last more than a 2 weeks and then I get new ones on top of that. Dairy has always been something I really like and I drink milk everyday but knowing that I'm not supposed to drink a milk that isn't of my own species and how the fat and sugar content is high got me reconsidering. There's also the whole steroid or hormone use on cows that may indirectly affect humans too, so it's just safer to quit it now while I have the will to. It doesn't mean that I'm going to go all strict and ask for non-dairy creamer in my coffee and stuff. But for whatever is at home, dairy is out.

My acne is still apparent and I'm still getting some new ones, but it's only been about 6 days since I stopped drinking milk. Usually people just switch to soy milk or almond milk as an alternative, BUT I HATE BOTH. I don't enjoy the taste of soy milk and I don't enjoy the nutty taste of almond or cashew either. Furthermore, when they say the texture of almond or cashew milk is closest to milk, I still find it thicker than actual whole milk. Recently, I bought the plant-based chocolate milk by Ripple and it definitely tastes like chocolate milk, but still I find it too thick for my liking. The only alternative I can tolerate is rice milk because it doesn't get me all "burpy" and it's not thick at all. The unflavored version reminds me of drinking tea and doesn't remind me of the days where I would make protein shakes. The only thing that sort of bothers me is that there is no higher protein version of it and if I want to keep my muscle mass, I'm supposed to eat around 180 grams of protein a day (1g for every pound you weigh). The rice milk only has 1 gram per serving.

At the moment, I'm not too focused on it though. If I do start noticing that I'm shrinking, then I'll just find another way to up the protein intake by making a high protein snack or cookie or something. I find quitting milk helps with sleep a bit since the lactose sugar can stimulate the brain, but it has done nothing really for my insomniac ass. Hopefully, this reduction in calories, fat content, and sugar does something for my body. I'll later start to cook and prep my own meals. I already have some things bookmarked because I need an Oreo and Tim Tams replacement.

In other news, my stupid brother got himself into a car accident with my mom's car a couple weeks ago. What kind of annoys me is that he didn't even bother to try and pay for the cost of fixing my mom's bumper. I also feel like it was an accident that could've been prevented but being how careless and apathetic about everything that my brother is, he was just like WOOP! SMASH!

It was a very minor bumper to bumper thing, but it's the least he could do when he got himself into that mess and I hope it reminds him that he's not a fucking baby anymore and that he should grow the fuck up. I still resent getting him a job because he just uses his earnings to buy stupid stuff and he's not doing anything to further advance his education (he's 25 and still hasn't finished undergrad). I don't see him do anything BESIDES playing games on one computer monitor and watching Twitch streams on a second. LOOK FOR AN AFFORDABLE SKILL TEACHING SCHOOL PROGRAM OR SOMETHING!!! Whenever I say stuff to get him thinking, he just gives me a smug look and says stupid shit like "get out of my room".

When it comes to trying to help out my mom, I've been looking through Craigslist and Google because whatever my mom finds through the Chinese newspapers doesn't really help. A lot of the jobs are either too physically demanding or scammer-y when it comes to wages. I have 1,000 more dollars to pay for my dog's hospital bill before I'm free and that should invoice should be coming in this week. I registered for class next semester, but I only got one when I really wanted two. I also had no choice but to sign up for that morning class because I lack the units that would give me a better date to register for classes. It's depressing because I want to get the classes out of the way as fast as possible so that I could really start working in the field, but it's just not happening....

Not to sound like a downer, but that's all that's really been happening. I've been trying a bit harder at the gym by pedaling harder on the bike and lifting a bit more. My TV shows are back on air. I got some poppin' new songs on my phone to work out to and watched a few new movies, but nothing to get too excited about. I did stumble upon a vegan earl grey cookie recipe while clicking back and forth between tabs. I'm pretty excited to try that out once my pack of Oreos runs out.

That is all.
-Peter

PS: Oh...I turn 28 in, like, 18 days...ugh...FML.

Christmas.

The gym is closed on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so I decided to just walk for an hour or so for the night. Especially since there is an event going on in Pokemon Go, I decided to try to hatch my eggs (all 5 km) with all the incubators I got. I have 4 or so, since I would only use them with 10 km eggs, but I haven't gone on a walk in months since my dog died. I have 1.5 km left before they hatch. So tomorrow, I should have some space to have a better chance at hatching some 2nd generation Pokemon.

I went our usual route and saw several dogs getting their walks. Totally made me feel down being that I was just walking by myself. I miss waiting at the red light and petting my Triton as he sat beside me. My hands started to freeze after the breeze started getting stronger and it hit me that I had finger-less gloves in my closet somewhere (currently using them as I type). I walked almost 4km in total, spun about 20 pokestops, and caught nothing out of the ordinary. Pondering where I should stop to take a quick picture without looking strange, I sat in front of a church for a bit and then proceeded home to have dinner.

Walking in the cold brought me back a memory I wanted to share on Instagram, but I didn't like the pictures I took, so I felt like posting it elsewhere. Back when Triton was almost 5 months old, I would walk him out at night but it was a nightmare since he would tug the leash like crazy. One night, I was so annoyed and yanked him for not walking at heel. I ended up ripping the pocket of one of my jackets in doing so because it was so cold that my hands were always stuffed in my pockets and a leash around my wrist. My mom eventually fixed the jacket for me and Triton ended up a good doggy. It wasn't like one of those memories to laugh back on but the setting took me back to a place.

As I gathered some noodles to heat up, my mom was like "went out with a friend? I saw you dressed and your room was empty" and I was like "who would I go out with?"...dialogue later proceeds to...

*Obviously this is all in Chinese
Mom: "We have all these people around and you can't make friends?"
Me: "No, I went to find a place to cry /sarcasm"
Me: "Who said I wanted friends."
Mom: "Why do you have to talk like that, like I did something wrong"
Me: "I never said you did anything wrong. I'm the person that is wrong"
Me: "I can't become a proper person. It's making me tired." (I don't know how to translate this into English)

And then my mom goes on about how this one time, there was this city hall job listing that she wanted me to try, but I never wanted to work in city government. I went through college because of the fact that it's expected of me to. I majored in Political Science because it was easiest for me to get through. She later says how I'm picky as hell and I say that I can say the same back. When I pitched to my mom she can get paid more serving samples on the weekends at the market, her excuse was she doesn't know how to drive to unfamiliar places. Later, she goes on about how not everything is easy and people move on and on until they find the right fit, how she struggles to make a nice dinner and I stopped her at that. I see the struggle and I'm not there to make it okay, but I also don't want to end up losing my goals and ambitions. That if I were to say, work at the post office, that I can't go back to school because I have to support. That everything will be put in the back burner and that's it, just work, sleep, repeat, too tired to do anything else. This is such a "first world problem" thing but she also says shit about how she came to the US to give me a better life than what she had and there are so many opportunities here, yet I'm being nudged to settle at the post office.

I know I can do so much more. I hate the fact or possibility that I might have to settle. My closest friend always thought that I'd be happiest if I was my own boss and I love the idea, but I literally got nothing when it comes to a business. I'm also scared as fuck about whether this Vet Tech thing will work out or not and maybe I really should've just tried working at the post office in the first place because what if both of my parents lost their jobs and we can't possibly insure four cars. My parents would have to sell the house and my good-for-nothing brother, who can't even finish undergrad, would still be bumming his dumb ass in a living room where we all sleep.

I feel so weak, full of fear and uncertainty. The weight of expectations and duties as a son, bringing me down to my own demise. And no one being there, because I vowed to myself that anyone who cut themselves from me would regret doing so, for I'd work to become something great.

...but I'm going to be 30 in no time...
-sigh-