In a couple of days, I'm going to ask my old boss if I can get back to working at the learning center again because I'd rather work part-time at a job I don't hate than full-time at job I dread going to every day. It absolutely drives me nuts that it feels like the only thing my mom ever talks about is making money. I'm literally at that point where just killing myself seems like a viable option because what's the point of living, really? To just make money? Do I exist just so I can give MY MOM money? Did my mom give birth to me with expectations that all I am is some form of subsistence to her?
It's funny because whenever I mention that I would just kill myself if nothing turns out right, she'd say "why do you say stuff like that?". Well, mom, do you have any other reason why I should be alive? It's not like my existence is that significant. I have no real obligations nor do I owe anything. Sure, my closest friends will be devastated, but they'll move on. Apparently, I'm already a failure to you and all I'm seen as is some extra form income. Nothing is really stopping me from saying, "Thanks for raising me and allowing me to learn so much about life and myself. I think I'm done here, bye". Obviously, I'm smarter than to just give up so easily but when it starts to seem like a reasonable option, it gets pretty real. I also know that helping my parents is something I SHOULD be doing, but when all I hear is job this, pay for that, and not acknowledging that I'm trying my best, I can't help but feel bitter at the idea.
Well anyway, last week, I did get asked to set up an interview for a job at some tech marketing company but it's located in Manhattan Beach, so I would waste my life in at least 2 hours of traffic everyday. After consulting with my friend, I decided to not go forward with it. I didn't even expect to get a reply, anyway. It was just for fucks.
Consequently, I have moved one step closer in taking the Foreign Service Officer Test and I am starting to feel the stress mentally and see the stress on my face (or forehead). Yesterday, I printed out the rest of the study guide and I only had about 10 trivia questions to finish before that. Now, I feel like the cartoon nerd kid who was holding a stack of books at school and then another large pile of books just got dropped on top of it, out of nowhere.
I didn't mean to make this entry so depressing and I do think some things are better kept unsaid, but it is nice to know that I can let it out somewhere rather than having it eat me up inside. I'm in no way asking to be pitied.
On the bright side, I bought a pair of undies that I really liked when I first saw it but it wasn't on sale awhile back. The other day, I randomly checked Aussiebum and freaked out that it was (+ the fact that Aussiebum has everyday free shipping with no minimum), so Merry Christmas to me!
I will probably do a video when I receive them. I HOPE I GET ANOTHER FREE PAIR OF SOCKS AGAIN!
Mmkay, That's all.