Sunday, December 25, 2016

Christmas.

The gym is closed on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so I decided to just walk for an hour or so for the night. Especially since there is an event going on in Pokemon Go, I decided to try to hatch my eggs (all 5 km) with all the incubators I got. I have 4 or so, since I would only use them with 10 km eggs, but I haven't gone on a walk in months since my dog died. I have 1.5 km left before they hatch. So tomorrow, I should have some space to have a better chance at hatching some 2nd generation Pokemon.

I went our usual route and saw several dogs getting their walks. Totally made me feel down being that I was just walking by myself. I miss waiting at the red light and petting my Triton as he sat beside me. My hands started to freeze after the breeze started getting stronger and it hit me that I had finger-less gloves in my closet somewhere (currently using them as I type). I walked almost 4km in total, spun about 20 pokestops, and caught nothing out of the ordinary. Pondering where I should stop to take a quick picture without looking strange, I sat in front of a church for a bit and then proceeded home to have dinner.

Walking in the cold brought me back a memory I wanted to share on Instagram, but I didn't like the pictures I took, so I felt like posting it elsewhere. Back when Triton was almost 5 months old, I would walk him out at night but it was a nightmare since he would tug the leash like crazy. One night, I was so annoyed and yanked him for not walking at heel. I ended up ripping the pocket of one of my jackets in doing so because it was so cold that my hands were always stuffed in my pockets and a leash around my wrist. My mom eventually fixed the jacket for me and Triton ended up a good doggy. It wasn't like one of those memories to laugh back on but the setting took me back to a place.
As I gathered some noodles to heat up, my mom was like "went out with a friend? I saw you dressed and your room was empty" and I was like "who would I go out with?"...dialogue later proceeds to...

*Obviously this is all in Chinese
Mom: "We have all these people around and you can't make friends?"
Me: "No, I went to find a place to cry /sarcasm"
Me: "Who said I wanted friends."
Mom: "Why do you have to talk like that, like I did something wrong"
Me: "I never said you did anything wrong. I'm the person that is wrong"
Me: "I can't become a proper person. It's making me tired." (I don't know how to translate this into English)

And then my mom goes on about how this one time, there was this city hall job listing that she wanted me to try, but I never wanted to work in city government. I went through college because of the fact that it's expected of me to. I majored in Political Science because it was easiest for me to get through. She later says how I'm picky as hell and I say that I can say the same back. When I pitched to my mom she can get paid more serving samples on the weekends at the market, her excuse was she doesn't know how to drive to unfamiliar places. Later, she goes on about how not everything is easy and people move on and on until they find the right fit, how she struggles to make a nice dinner and I stopped her at that. I see the struggle and I'm not there to make it okay, but I also don't want to end up losing my goals and ambitions. That if I were to say, work at the post office, that I can't go back to school because I have to support. That everything will be put in the back burner and that's it, just work, sleep, repeat, too tired to do anything else. This is such a "first world problem" thing but she also says shit about how she came to the US to give me a better life than what she had and there are so many opportunities here, yet I'm being nudged to settle at the post office.

I know I can do so much more. I hate the fact or possibility that I might have to settle. My closest friend always thought that I'd be happiest if I was my own boss and I love the idea, but I literally got nothing when it comes to a business. I'm also scared as fuck about whether this Vet Tech thing will work out or not and maybe I really should've just tried working at the post office in the first place because what if both of my parents lost their jobs and we can't possibly insure four cars. My parents would have to sell the house and my good-for-nothing brother, who can't even finish undergrad, would still be bumming his dumb ass in a living room where we all sleep.

I feel so weak, full of fear and uncertainty. The weight of expectations and duties as a son, bringing me down to my own demise. And no one being there, because I vowed to myself that anyone who cut themselves from me would regret doing so, for I'd work to become something great.

...but I'm going to be 30 in no time...
-sigh-

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

2016 Reflections.

I don't think I ever skipped a year ever since I started blogging where I have to look back and retrace everything that has happened within the past 12 months. It'd probably be a bit more meaningful if I wrote it in a journal or something but then my hand would get tired and I wouldn't be able to reread half the stuff I jot down anyway. Either way, this helps me reassess where I am at life, figure out my plan, and reach the goals I set out for myself.

I ain't going to lie though, I've been severely depressed since October. I'm pretty much okay with death and letting my parents rent out my room to some stranger, so that my mom doesn't have to complain about work that is too hard to do. The fact that I'm getting through the day everyday is tiring. It's not just the fact that my dog died but that I'm not getting anywhere, and I can't provide. My mom has every right to complain but when I hear it, I feel insanely guilty because I should be able to support. If you don't already know through my YouTube channel, my mom got laid off back in March and has been working under the table on and off since her unemployment money ran out. She essentially gets paid around 60% less for the same (or even more difficult) work she'd done previously. My dad works, but he's also nearing retirement age and doesn't want to work any longer. What's worse is that I have a useless 25 year old little brother who has no sympathy towards anything and is oblivious to the fact that the family living together in a one bedroom apartment is plausible.

You might think I'm just being overly harsh and pessimistic but he is literally one of the most disappointing things that could ever come out of my family. He stopped going to school for over a year because he "didn't get accepted as a transfer" and just plays computer games all day and night. It's super infuriating when you see him wear his stupid headphones/microphone and hear him laugh out loud like everything is okay.  If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even have a job or money, but the job leaves him enough free time to go to school or actually gain some sort of skill to become an actual adult BUT NOPE! One day, I see him play the new Pokemon Sun game on a new DS. It drives me NUTS because I absolutely refused to help him get a job because of exactly this. He doesn't deserve it, but my mom basically begged me for years to "help" him.

I would randomly go into his room sometimes and just take his DS to "play" (but I couldn't care less) and make the point that he wouldn't even have it, if it weren't for me, and he would say some snarky shit like "I'd just save up money from smashing cans" or something. It's like "yeah, totally, get a head start on that life, man", especially when your mom raised and provided you with all she could and you show her that you've remained a spoiled, ungrateful brat.

As for me, I'm scrambling to be able to make sure my parents never lose what they've earned, while trying to keep myself sane and content, which clearly isn't happening. Late 2015, I took time off from my part time job to really find a full time job that I could stick with. Many applications ignored and a few declines later, I ended up just asking for my old job back because I couldn't take my mom giving me shit for being "useless". My dog comforted me a lot during that time. Walking him and just being outside alone with him let me forget everything for a while, take in a needed deep breath, and power through the day. I miss him a ton. I did get two replies out of that time I was off but one was more of a petty job with a big company, and the other had a really long commute. I couldn't stand thinking that I'd be wasting two hours of my day sitting in a car.

When February came around, I turned 27 but there was nothing joyous to come out of it. I committed to trying to update my YouTube channel more regularly and I've tried setting a schedule for myself but that drained my creativity and left me uninspired, so I made the effort to try and upload at least once a week. Never have I had intentions of wanting to use it to make a living off of it, but I did make a mediocre following and it'd be a shame to just abandon it. I have no real other alternative to use my free time productively anyway. One thing, however, is I'm often questioning the motive behind my videos because almost all of the time, it involves something I bought and how uninteresting I am. But even at that, I get more hits on it than this measly blog (which I don't mind all that much).

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Every once in a while...

Every once in a while, I feel compelled to write rather than record a video and edit. It brings no where as much traffic or exposure, but it's so much easier to gather my thoughts as I'm not worrying about my camera overheating or feeling the pressure while a camera lens is on me. I also know writing really long entries makes people not want to read, so obviously this is more for me than anyone else's amusement.
If you don't already know, it's been over two weeks since my dog died. I'm still feeling down because I depended on him a lot for comfort and strength. I don't have very many friends, so he has a huge companion to me. I did everything I could to make sure he'd be living a good, long and healthy life, but this happens. I'm just a heaping ball of bad luck. All the ignored job applications, rejection letters, failed interviews, and then this.

My mom really believes in this superstition that my aunt once remembered my dad's dad saying that people in my family aren't meant to have dogs after she found out about what had happened. She would keep saying not to get another one. First off, I'm not fucking stupid to get another dog right away. It's almost Christmas anyway, so all the puppy prices are jacked up. And second, I don't believe that my grandpa (whom I've NEVER met before) is punishing me from beyond because I went against his word (which I NEVER knew in the first place). My mom especially believes it because I apparently have some uncle in China who also had a dog which he loved very much and it also died very suddenly. I love my mom and all, but this is the same woman who refuses to consider a hybrid car because apparently no future tech could ever replace the conventional gasoline engine.

On a random note, I was watching a random clip on a new Tesla car and learned that their cars are basically run on two to four smaller motors which propel each wheel. The idea behind it is basically how high speed trains are run. Old locomotives use to have just one engine in the front turning the wheel and pulling everything else behind it but shinkansens in Japan have a bunch of smaller motors underneath each cart to accelerate the train.

So anyway, what hurts me the most is that my mom doesn't realize how important my dog was to me when it came to my emotional and mental stability. I really have no other reason to be alive right now. I'm not like my cousin in Vietnam who apparently makes $8k a month. I'm not even making enough to be on my own. My dog gave me something to look forward to, a reason to get out, something to be proud of, something to comfort me when I'm reminded of how much of a flop I am. He got me talking to people I would have never been able to meet or talk to otherwise. He gave me something to look forward to when coming home. He was so much more than just a measly dog.

One morning, I told my mom how much her words bothered me because she told it to me several times, even once while talking to another aunt on the phone (two people telling me what NOT to do), and how it's a rich people thing and that people like me shouldn't even have one in the first place. I told her that she already knows that I don't have any friends. And when she says why can't I just go out and make any, I snapped back asking if she knew how painful it is to know when you aren't liked. I've said before that to rich people, having a dog is like having an accessory, perishable and can be thrown away without care. Homeless people and poor people have the strongest connections with their dogs because they are so much more closely tied as they spend a lot of time together. If anything, it's rich people who SHOULDN'T have dogs, especially if all they are doing is getting them to flaunt their wealth.

Sure, my hospital bill is going to be around $4400 dollars and I did sign papers saying that I would agree to surgery if the doctor recommended that I should. Taking the time thinking back at it, I would do the same thing over and over. He was so loyal to me. I could not just let him die without trying to save him. I do have quite a bit saved up had the surgery gone through and I would've blown a good 60~70% of my savings, but if it meant that my dog would recover, I'd be okay. I'd be much, much poorer, but my faithful friend could still be sleeping beside me right now. -sigh-

I'm a stubborn asshole anyway, I refuse to believe in what my dad's dad said and telling me what not to do only makes me want to do it more sooner, but it hurts to hear them talk about my dog as if he's something I got "for fun".

This week, I got apology cards from both hospitals I rushed my dog to. I was kind of surprised from the second one because my dog was at that hospital for over an hour and they didn't charge me for examining my dog. They just wished me luck as I hurried to transport him to the specialist hospital. I guess they got something out of that referral I put down but it was a kind gesture. From the hospital my dog stayed at, the ginger haired girl that watched over him said that he was really liked and everyone enjoyed caring for him. I'm not surprised because my dog loves everyone. Even if someone doesn't care to meet him, he'd try to stop them by getting into a sit right in front of them. Even though he wasn't the calmest dog, I could even trust him around kids because I knew he would never try to hurt them. I really ought to make a yelp account to show my appreciation, especially for the hospital that didn't charge me. I really think both places knew that his condition wasn't something he could recover from, but the specialists could at least give me some answers/ closure. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that his will would give him the strength to overcome it, but I also was bracing for the worst. -sigh-
Some days, I miss him more than others. Whenever I'm outside late at night, I look to the stars and hope that he could see me too, as corny as that sounds. I miss him a lot. After taking this photo, I let my brother choose one of tags to keep as his own, while I took the other. They'll be on our keys as a little reminder to stay strong now. 

Sunday, August 7, 2016

#MESS.

I don't know where to start. On Pokemon Go, I'm currently level 13 which is several levels lower than everyone else I know who plays it. The girl that works at the boba shop I frequent is level 16 and the dude who made my boba was level 15. I was a measly 10, at the time. Currently grinding for no apparent reason. I wish I could just catch an onslaught of Pidgeys because it's really easy to evolve them to accumulate 500 exp and just transfer them for more Pidgey candy to evolve more. Another good thing is that both gyms I go to have Pokestops nearby, so I can hoard Pokeballs and 50 exp every 5 minutes for about 2 hours. I've been tossing the potions to keep my inventory from filling up.
-edit-

After putting off this draft for several days, I'm almost level 17 now (lol). I'll hopefully get that later when I go walk my dog. I changed my dog walking route to a street with 5 pokestops and I just walk back and forth (LOL). If there's someone using a lure module, then I'd use an incense or lucky egg or something.

-edit again-

I'm level 20 now. I don't remember when I started this draft, but yeah.

SO ANYWAY, I had another job interview where I had to fly to another city but the process getting there was sort of a #mess. Also true to what I said on Instagram about it not going so hot, I did indeed receive a "thanks but no thanks" e-mail this morning. -sigh-
I guess I'll begin with the process of it first.