Saturday, October 22, 2016

Every once in a while...

Every once in a while, I feel compelled to write rather than record a video and edit. It brings no where as much traffic or exposure, but it's so much easier to gather my thoughts as I'm not worrying about my camera overheating or feeling the pressure while a camera lens is on me. I also know writing really long entries makes people not want to read, so obviously this is more for me than anyone else's amusement.
If you don't already know, it's been over two weeks since my dog died. I'm still feeling down because I depended on him a lot for comfort and strength. I don't have very many friends, so he has a huge companion to me. I did everything I could to make sure he'd be living a good, long and healthy life, but this happens. I'm just a heaping ball of bad luck. All the ignored job applications, rejection letters, failed interviews, and then this.

My mom really believes in this superstition that my aunt once remembered my dad's dad saying that people in my family aren't meant to have dogs after she found out about what had happened. She would keep saying not to get another one. First off, I'm not fucking stupid to get another dog right away. It's almost Christmas anyway, so all the puppy prices are jacked up. And second, I don't believe that my grandpa (whom I've NEVER met before) is punishing me from beyond because I went against his word (which I NEVER knew in the first place). My mom especially believes it because I apparently have some uncle in China who also had a dog which he loved very much and it also died very suddenly. I love my mom and all, but this is the same woman who refuses to consider a hybrid car because apparently no future tech could ever replace the conventional gasoline engine.

On a random note, I was watching a random clip on a new Tesla car and learned that their cars are basically run on two to four smaller motors which propel each wheel. The idea behind it is basically how high speed trains are run. Old locomotives use to have just one engine in the front turning the wheel and pulling everything else behind it but shinkansens in Japan have a bunch of smaller motors underneath each cart to accelerate the train.

So anyway, what hurts me the most is that my mom doesn't realize how important my dog was to me when it came to my emotional and mental stability. I really have no other reason to be alive right now. I'm not like my cousin in Vietnam who apparently makes $8k a month. I'm not even making enough to be on my own. My dog gave me something to look forward to, a reason to get out, something to be proud of, something to comfort me when I'm reminded of how much of a flop I am. He got me talking to people I would have never been able to meet or talk to otherwise. He gave me something to look forward to when coming home. He was so much more than just a measly dog.

One morning, I told my mom how much her words bothered me because she told it to me several times, even once while talking to another aunt on the phone (two people telling me what NOT to do), and how it's a rich people thing and that people like me shouldn't even have one in the first place. I told her that she already knows that I don't have any friends. And when she says why can't I just go out and make any, I snapped back asking if she knew how painful it is to know when you aren't liked. I've said before that to rich people, having a dog is like having an accessory, perishable and can be thrown away without care. Homeless people and poor people have the strongest connections with their dogs because they are so much more closely tied as they spend a lot of time together. If anything, it's rich people who SHOULDN'T have dogs, especially if all they are doing is getting them to flaunt their wealth.

Sure, my hospital bill is going to be around $4400 dollars and I did sign papers saying that I would agree to surgery if the doctor recommended that I should. Taking the time thinking back at it, I would do the same thing over and over. He was so loyal to me. I could not just let him die without trying to save him. I do have quite a bit saved up had the surgery gone through and I would've blown a good 60~70% of my savings, but if it meant that my dog would recover, I'd be okay. I'd be much, much poorer, but my faithful friend could still be sleeping beside me right now. -sigh-

I'm a stubborn asshole anyway, I refuse to believe in what my dad's dad said and telling me what not to do only makes me want to do it more sooner, but it hurts to hear them talk about my dog as if he's something I got "for fun".

This week, I got apology cards from both hospitals I rushed my dog to. I was kind of surprised from the second one because my dog was at that hospital for over an hour and they didn't charge me for examining my dog. They just wished me luck as I hurried to transport him to the specialist hospital. I guess they got something out of that referral I put down but it was a kind gesture. From the hospital my dog stayed at, the ginger haired girl that watched over him said that he was really liked and everyone enjoyed caring for him. I'm not surprised because my dog loves everyone. Even if someone doesn't care to meet him, he'd try to stop them by getting into a sit right in front of them. Even though he wasn't the calmest dog, I could even trust him around kids because I knew he would never try to hurt them. I really ought to make a yelp account to show my appreciation, especially for the hospital that didn't charge me. I really think both places knew that his condition wasn't something he could recover from, but the specialists could at least give me some answers/ closure. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that his will would give him the strength to overcome it, but I also was bracing for the worst. -sigh-
Some days, I miss him more than others. Whenever I'm outside late at night, I look to the stars and hope that he could see me too, as corny as that sounds. I miss him a lot. After taking this photo, I let my brother choose one of tags to keep as his own, while I took the other. They'll be on our keys as a little reminder to stay strong now. 

Sunday, August 7, 2016


I don't know where to start. On Pokemon Go, I'm currently level 13 which is several levels lower than everyone else I know who plays it. The girl that works at the boba shop I frequent is level 16 and the dude who made my boba was level 15. I was a measly 10, at the time. Currently grinding for no apparent reason. I wish I could just catch an onslaught of Pidgeys because it's really easy to evolve them to accumulate 500 exp and just transfer them for more Pidgey candy to evolve more. Another good thing is that both gyms I go to have Pokestops nearby, so I can hoard Pokeballs and 50 exp every 5 minutes for about 2 hours. I've been tossing the potions to keep my inventory from filling up.

After putting off this draft for several days, I'm almost level 17 now (lol). I'll hopefully get that later when I go walk my dog. I changed my dog walking route to a street with 5 pokestops and I just walk back and forth (LOL). If there's someone using a lure module, then I'd use an incense or lucky egg or something.

-edit again-

I'm level 20 now. I don't remember when I started this draft, but yeah.

SO ANYWAY, I had another job interview where I had to fly to another city but the process getting there was sort of a #mess. Also true to what I said on Instagram about it not going so hot, I did indeed receive a "thanks but no thanks" e-mail this morning. -sigh-
I guess I'll begin with the process of it first.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Pretty bummed at life.

I always try to think of everything in a positive manner. I give myself a time frame of what should be happening but as time keeps moving forward and I'm not really progressing, I feel so discouraged. Never do I want people to take pity on me, so I never really put my struggles out there unless I really need to let it out for the sake of just blowing off some steam and not letting that stress cover up my face in pimples. However, times are getting a bit tough so I'm trying ever harder. My first big job interview in a long while and it didn't work out.
During my long absence, my mom got laid off of her job of 7~8 years and my good-for-nothing brother couldn't even get his FIRST job without my help (as in, he works with me now but I really hate having done that since I see him buy stupid shit instead of saving money). My dad has a steady job for now, but there's a possibility that he may have to find a new one soon because there are far too many competing businesses blocks from one another. I don't work full-time and I don't work all that much right now because I told my boss that there may be a possibility that I might not be able to even work during the summer program, but I don't mind because it gives me time to really focus a long term job and not just pushing out resumes out of sheer desperation. At the same time, I worry that I'm going to face even tougher hardships because my mom doesn't seem to be really trying to find a new job and is fine with that unemployment income. She did try this casino job since all my relatives seem to work at one but she basically got her ass handed back to her because she can't comprehend how casino games work.

Oh, I forgot to mention that my uncle (I don't know the specifics because the family tree in Asian families is really complicated and specific) died and I felt really bad because I never really got to greet him for the longest time. He was just fine (even though he had been using a cane) and visited my home a week prior. And then not too long after his funeral, my mom was finding the stupidest places to clean and tidy up because she has all the time in the world now, and ended up falling on her back. THAT REALLY FREAKED AND STRESSED ME OUT because she lost her health insurance almost a month before that and it wasn't like I could just apply for health insurance and get it the next day. My mom is fine now with no broken bones but I was at a point where the gym was the only space I could gather my thoughts and try to be at ease, only to end up with super watery eyes in between workouts because of all that was happening. 

Moreover, you can physically see how it has been affecting me because my acne hasn't been so apparent for a long time. I use to get the usual one or two every couple of weeks but I'm pretty much finding a new one daily. The pimples could also be found all over my scalp (behind the ears, back of my head, etc.). Recently, I got so fed up that I bought a new Clarisonic after going without one for quite some time. I wanted to try this other one, but the price is almost double and I don't think it's worth investing in it right now due to these job instabilities and financial insecurities. I got the Mia 2 this time, an upgrade from the original Mia that lasted me about 2 years. The Mia 2 was 97 bucks in total and hopefully it'll last longer than my original Mia. The brush changing isn't a problem for me since I only change it when the bristles get really bent and out of shape. I don't follow that recommended every 3 months or so, mumbo jumbo.
The Foreo Luna...or whatever.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

AussieBum haul (not really).

While I digest from eating way too much KFC fried chicken, I'll type here, I guess. WELP! I went back to my old job. I feel like a failure but at least I feel like I have more direction in life, once again. Maybe that time off was meant for me to "get my shit together". Let's just hope that I really am cut out to be a Foreign Service Officer and it'll lead me to a cool bustling city in East Asia or South East Asia. My test date is slowly getting closer and closer. I've been studying on my cardio days rather than reading comic books, but I get kind of bored after 20 minutes and take breaks in between my cycling.

I've also been trying to keep myself more in check by setting a time to wake up to every single day (including weekends). I'm thinking that maybe that way, I can still take naps without disrupting my actual sleep time too much. Other than that, nothing has really happened this week. It legit rained around here for two days and I got my online orders from the week prior.

Contrary to what I thought, the flock of resolutioners heading to the gym wasn't that huge? I'm not sure if it's because I'm just so use to going at the "dead" time or it's because there are three big name gyms competing for business in the area now, so people are more sprawled. Either way, I try to get home before 3AM and sleep before 5AM. I'm the worst and most nocturnal piece of trash to exist.

That's all.

Oh! My dog woke up with teary and swollen eyes again. I feel like his pink eye is very periodic which makes me wonder how guide dogs are taken care of? since they are known to be relatively healthy and all. As a pet parent, I feel horrible because all I can do is wipe his eyes with salt water solution and hug him, but he's a trooper and I've never really had any other problems like worms or anything.